100 Things About Me

I don't know where I saw this first but a couple of blogs that I read had posted 100 things about themselves. All I could think was me too, me too. It took me a few days but I got it done.

Hop on board!

1.  I told a teacher, in a fit of preteen angst that I would be a published writer. In this case, blogs count.( I told you so Mrs. Salerno).
   
   
2.  I keep blowing bubbles long after my kids have lost interest.
3. I have to sleep with my feet covered. Tom has to sleep with his feet uncovered. Something I should have thought about before committing to a life with him.
4. I hate talking on the phone.
5. I still miss my first car. She had soul. R.I.P Suzzy.
6. I haven't started exercising yet. I haven't figured out the when.
7. It takes me all week to finish the laundry, sometimes more.
8. Time management is not my strong suit.
9. I got a D in Freshman seminar because of that. 
10. I was also too cocky to do the work.
11. I dropped out of community college after one semester.
12. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
13. I see a lot of me in Amanda.
14. That scares the crap out of me.
15. I used to get lost in daydreams at school.
16. I still get lost in daydreams.
17. I will write a cheesy romance novel someday.
18. I will use a pseudonym when I publish that novel.
19. I'll make it a series.
20. It will be the next twilight. with out the vampires and werewolves.
21. I love cars.
22. I miss going to the racetrack sometimes.
23. I hated the track near the end of my time there.
24. I've never lived alone.
25. That really annoys me about myself.
26. I am not afraid to die.
27. I am afraid of what my death will mean for my loved ones.
28. I hurt when other people hurt.
29. I am easily influenced by others.
30. I would never call myself a leader.
31. I call myself a mom instead.
32. I never wanted kids.
33. I can't imagine my life without them
34. I don't want to imagine my life without them.
35. I own 1 bra
36. I own 1 pair of jeans
37. I wouldn't buy more of either even if I had the money.
38. Buying new clothes for me is depressing.
39. I never seem to like what is practical.
40. I fall in love with the impractical. i.e.- hot pink oxford button down shirt, navy blue pencil skirt w/a slit up the back and navy pumps with hot pink trim.
41. I would sink in the mud if I set foot outside in heels.
42. I would never get Amanda out of those heels in the first place.
43. I love shoes.
44. I love boots most of all.
45. my calves are too fat for most boots.
46. I really need to start some yoga
47. I want a yoga ball
48. I won't buy a yoga ball
49. I'll pop said yoga ball
50. I wonder if there are any industrial strength yoga balls out there?
51. HeHe...I said "balls"
52. I'm easily amused.
53. I have the urge to go wake Tom up.
54. I make things complicated for my friends. (Sorry Amy)
55. I'm not going to wake Tom up. He has to be to work at 3 am
56. Happy, happy overtime! Happy, Happy overtime! 
57. I tend to break out in song and sometimes dance.
58. Yes, I am a Gleek and proud of it.
59. I used to dance and sing in the Sussex NJ A&P late at night/ early morning
60. I still do a little jig every now and again if I'm feeling froggy
61. When I'm really feeling my Cheerios, I turn my kitchen floor into a stage and put on concerts for my kids.
62. There is a lot of audience participation involved.
63. I get winded too quickly and have to cancel my shows half way through.
64. I get hounded by the paparazzi to do more.
65. I sing from the desk chair.
66. They can't swarm me if I'm in my chair.
67. I love to bake.
68. My favorite thing to bake are pies.
69.  I use a cook book from the 1930's for my pie crust recipies
70. I love old cookbooks
71. I really don't like regular cooking
72. I would use my crock pot everyday if it wasn't such a bitch to clean
73. The wind scares me
74. The wind never scared me until I lived in a trailer.
75. I'm afraid that it's going to blow away and break in two
76. I know my fear is irrational
77. That doesn't make me feel any better.
78. I'm scared of driving over bridges too.
79. I'm afraid  that I'll go over the edge, into water below.
80. I know that's irrational too
81. I forgot to pay a speeding ticket once. The transmission blew the day after I got the ticket and I left the ticket in the junked car.
82. My license was suspended 3 years later.
83. I didn't know my license was suspended.
84. I got pulled over for speeding again 4 years and 3 states later.
85. I was arrested for driving with a suspended license.
86. I was never so scared in my life.
87. My in-laws loaned Tom the money to bail me out of county jail.
88. We didn't have the money to bail me out because Tom had bought a new gun the week before.
89. I made Tom sell that gun when we needed money a year later.
90. I don't see the point in owning more than one gun if any.
91. Tom is a hunter, he sees the point in owning at least one gun.
92. Tom only has one gun.
93. I would like it to stay that way.
94. I think there are better things to invest our money in.
95. I've never been on a family vacation
96. I'm hoping to pull one off next year
97. Everyone else seems to go to Outer Banks, NC. I wanna go too.
98. I refuse to go camping.
99. I don't potty without a potty.
100. I will roast marshmallows in the front yard though.

Thank you for riding Sarah's train of thought. Please stay seated until the train has come to a complete stop. In case of an emergency ( or any normal day) and the train does stop, tuck and roll.

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Hard Times, Happy Times And The A HA Moment

There isn't a moment in my life that doesn't have a song attached to it. Some songs were written just for me and that time in my life. Some songs I've heard before hand and they pop into my head when the right moment arrives. Others I hear after the fact and they just seem to put into words what I couldn't.




(1)  Runaway, Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park- I was Working in a dry cleaners when I ran into Linkin Park. A girl I worked with played it one night and everything just seemed to click. I didn't realize it right away but what they were telling me what was really going on in my head. It was like they crawled inside my head while I was living with "Spencer" and wrote that album.

Living with Spencer was a mind fuck. She was a pathological liar and controlling. She was suppose to be my best friend. Listening to Linkin Park was like getting a brick in the head one day. I got up and out not long after hearing them for the first time.




(2)  I'm Movin' On, Rascal Flatts - This was the song that I played when I left New Jersey. I thought I had made peace with my demons. I hadn't. I was just running from them. I regretted moving to Tennessee within 2 weeks after I had arrived.




(3,4,5,6)  What Hurts The Most, Rascal Flatts; CrushCrushCrush, Paramore; I'm The Only One, Melissa Etheridge; Best I Ever Had, Gary Allan- These are just a few of the songs that make me think of a particular person and the time period of my life they were in. It covers several years, involves several people and a lot of bittersweet memories.




(7) Make Over, Stripped, Christina Aguilera- This was a transitional song for me. I listened to it a lot when I moved back home and then to Tennessee. I just wanted to get away and be free. It was my only goal and it blew up in my face a couple of times.




(8) Her Diamonds, Cradlesong, Rob Thomas- I can't tell you how many times I've felt like the girl in the song. I've left quite a few "diamonds" on the floor.




( 9) Breathe (2 AM), Anna Nalick- What can I say. The girl has got a point. You can't jump the track and you're as far in as you are out. This is the song that starts the upward spiral after I've left some "diamonds" lying around.




(10) Supermassive Black Hole - This is what I call my "Stripper Song". I can't explain it. It just makes me feel sexy and powerful. I play this song so I can get my swagger on.




Music is vehicle, I wouldn't get anywhere without it.

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You're Making Me Twitch

MaryMac over at Pajamas and Coffee had a post today about 7 things that get under her skin. Since I'm PMSing and everything is irking me, I'm going to join in.




I'm going to leave it to what got to me in the past 24 hours just to keep the list short.

1. Living in the Brokeness- I can't tell you how much this drive me nuts. All the things I can't do and can't have. The bills I can't pay. That makes my eye (visibly) twitch.
2. The Swarm- Every time I sit on the couch or the floor, the kids attack me all at once. They all want to sit in my lap, pull my hair, stick their jam hands in my mouth ( eyes, nose, ears, etc.) The only truly safe places are either standing or in hiding. That makes my arms and legs twitch.
3. Some one (Tom) reading over my shoulder (Tom) when I'm on the computer(Tom). That makes my back twitch.
4. Not being able to complete a post-  I have no less than three unfinished posts because I got interupted by kids, chores or #3. That makes my brain twitch.
5. The Cat- I used to love cats. I haven't been without a cat since I was 12. Recently though, I've had the kind of cat tha has no problem NOT using the litter box. She prefers my fluffy, bright white, towels instead. That makes my hands twitch. ( She's still a vast improvment over Tom's now deceased "Wife". She pissed in the toy box and crapped in the hall.)
6. Birds- They get in my shed and crap all over the place including my dryer. Just plain gross. That makes my gag reflex twitch.
7. Trailers, mobil homes, hot/ice boxes, tin can with a fridge- call it what you want. I hate living in one. It's a POS. That makes my heart twitch.

This stuff doesn't just annoy me it gets under my skin, crawls into my brain and takes root. What gets to you?

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Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

My family and I live in a trailer. It's basically a P.O.S.. The only thing it has going for it is that's it's shelter and we can afford it.

Last summer the Slum landlord had new carpet and laminate installed. Then, in the fall, he had a crew come out to level out the place. Ya know, because making a structure level will fix the warped and bent doors, the leaks inside the walls and the crooked windows. Sure..... Right.....*nodding and smiling*.

Seriously. If I ever start thinking like that, I order anyone reading this to hunt me down, kidnap me and my family, and drop us off in NJ for logic and sarcasm immersion therapy.

Now, My new carpet has a wrinkle the length of the living room, the old linoleum  has the same in the bedrooms and the laminate pops and cracks when you walk on my roller coaster of a kitchen floor.

Amanda happened to step on one of those spots in the kitchen. It made such a loud snap, she looked a little scared. When I asked her if the floor made a funny noise, she responded very seriously, 

" No mom, It's crapping"

Very true baby girl, very true.

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Signs

I was out solo today. I had a quick job interview and decided to pop into an antique shop in town. I wandered around and enjoyed  the silence in my head. I had no intentions of buying anything. I really didn't have the money to spare. Even the 1948 Fleischmanns Yeast bread book for $2.




I was the perfect companion to my 1943 version of the book and it killed me to walk away. I love old books. They're so delicate to the touch and their smell reminds me of something I can't quite name. The paper is soft and fuzzy like the footsie jammies my kids wear in the winter.




I was checking out a book, mostly just to have it in my hands, when I flipped the back cover open to find a religious leaflet. I'm not into religion, it's just not my thing. I really didn't give it much thought as I flipped the leaflet over to see what was on the front.




Don't 

Give  

Up  

Hope 

I shut the book quickly, but the pieces were already locked into place. I may not be religious but I do believe in a higher power or an unseen force. It was like that force was telling me that it will all work out. All the  stress and tears today would be worth it.

 Hope is  one of the hardest things to lose. I was loosing it today. Everything was slipping away in just a few hours. No matter what I did, hope just kept getting further away. Despite my concerted effort to change my circumstances, I felt deeper in shit than the day before. 

Until those words, I was on a slippery slope that could have taken me months to climb out of. I still have to deal with some pretty crappy stuff like selling whatever I can live without. I still have to figure out daycare so I can work in September. I still have to deal everyday.

But there is hope. In the words of my 7th grade history teacher-




" There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah. And it's NOT a God damned train!" 










P.S.- I bought the book and the one on top of it.